He's touched, really. Van Zieks is not the sort of man to make this type of offer lightly, Kaspar believes. And it makes him happy, whether he plans to take him up on it or not. ]
Thank you, very much. And you may rely on me too, when I am able to assist.
[ Kaspar recognizes part of the path then, stopping beside the opening to be sure. ]
[Of course he doesn't make it lightly. He only makes it to friends!!! It's like that one Persona 4 fancomic. You became friends with van Zieks! Van Zieks will now die for you.]
I should I hope I will not have to, but I will keep that in mind. [He notes the pause, though.]
[ If only they could see one another's friendship meters.
There are a great many things that van Zieks knows better than Kaspar does, most other people here can claim the same. It is a fact that he is at peace with. But there are still a few things he probably knows better than most.
He shakes his head no, rocking on his heels once and still stopped before the break in shrubbery. His stomach announces his reasoning lowly, quiet enough that it is easy to miss in the crunch of branches beneath his leather boots. ]
[It's a bit strange, van Zieks is used to being the quiet one in friendships. He's perfectly capable of being well-spoken when asked direct questions but isn't really one good at keeping up idle conversations. Now, however, Kaspar is much quieter and glip than he is. He doesn't actually mind it, but it definitely is different.
In any case, it's hard to miss that noise of hunger. It reminds him, a little, of how he'd impulsively invited Albert to dinner the day they'd met.]
[ Kaspar confirms, smile warm at the continual excuses van Zieks provides. It is as if he is giving himself permission. And every time, it somehow feels like he's being rewarded with the other man's presence.
Leaning against one tree trunk, Kaspar reaches up again with one arm to keep the branches out of their way. This path is wilder until it empties out closer to the well worn path to Kaspar's still run down farm. So, he pauses to guide them through the brief rough patch.
He holds his hand out for van Zieks, a polite habit since even though he can see in the dim underbrush lighting, there are rocks and loose soil hidden beneath the cover of bushes. ]
[van Zieks is torn, because on the one hand it's his baby sibling Instinct to resist being babied. On the other hand, he's unused as of late to someone treating him carefully and gently. After all, most people are afraid of the Grim Reaper of the Old Bailey. If they're not actively avoiding him they figure he's nigh invincible, vaguely supernatural as his reputation makes him out to be.]
I'm... you know you don't have to be so cautious with me, Mr Kaspar. [He's not telling him to stop, though.]
[Honestly he was close to just rejecting it out of habit, but then... It's true. No one else is here to see it.
Maybe he'd like to hold a hand. Especially one of his handsome and kind new friend. Even if Kaspar seems a bit head empty. That's fine. He can think of much worse things.
So after a long moment of hesitation, he takes that hand, cheeks coloring ever so slightly.]
If I'm honest, I'm surprised you're not more intimidated by me.
[ Kaspar finds he likes the color, how high he has to lift his arm and his gaze. But he decides to keep that, like most things, to himself. He's still holding his hand, not intimidated in the least when he asks-- ]
[van Zieks almost stumbles at that assessment, for how strikingly perceptive it is, and for how... strange it feels to think that no one ever expressed that sentiment to him before.]
I... [He looks away. Does he dislike being feared? He's always played the role. It was just as well people be afraid of him, it kept them at arms length. If he remained a solitary figure, no one else could be harmed by the tragedy of the van Zieks family. He couldn't lose anyone else if he had no one. That, and the fear of the Reaper reducing crime had always been why he'd maintained the act. But... Does that mean he liked it?
No, no of course it didn't. He hated it. He was miserable. Still.]
[ He'll let van Zieks take his hand back if he wants it, but Kaspar doesn't abandon it either. His patience is quiet and forgiving, comfortable. He doesn't even mind him not answering the question in words. Because understanding is here too, though Kaspar isn't one to linger on the past.
The worst part of standing guard in the grand halls or the streets had been frightened faces; a heavy feeling from the pit of his stomach. One he recieved punishment for soothing with funny faces. Beyond that, keeping his heart to himself kept their tragedies off his conscious.
Not that he thinks on any of that beyond the ghost of a familiar feeling. Because he is here in the moment and he likes holding hands. He reminds van Zieks with peaceful certainty-- ]
[It's true. There's no rumors of the Reaper, dispelled or not. No tragedy to befall anyone who gets close. He could start over. Be a different person. No one would know. But does he know how? They always say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. And even though he knows the truth now, and the Reaper is gone... there's so much that can't be fixed.]
I'm not sure if I know how to be anything else. I think... maybe I lost some part of myself that had that capacity ten years ago. [Still.... he will keep up the handholding. It's discrete and comfortable enough he can not think TOO much about it.]
[ Kaspar keeps hold of his hand then, gentle as they go. The silence isn't too long, as if the small physical connection emboldens him. Still, his voice is still soft. ]
[ Kaspar is silent again, considering it. He isn't even sure which part van Zieks is asking about. He squeezes his hand, gently, admitting more before he thinks better of it. ]
... I don't, like it when people are scared of me either.
[Interesting. Van Zieks mulls this concept over, for a moment. He certainly doesn't enjoy being viewed as some sort of supernatural judge jury and executioner. But to be truly perceived as the person he is?
Does he even know what that would mean at this point? What parts are the Reaper, what parts are Barok van Zieks, and what part's are Barok van Zieks' grief?]
... The strength of character to be able to claim such a thing is admirable.
[ On the one hand, he doesn't really want to argue, and he knows van Zieks isn't doing it to be mean. On the other hand, he is still holding van Zieks' hand and... Kaspar realizes suddenly that the other man is actually arguing in favor of a compliment to him? Or at least, that's the conclusion Kaspar arrives at.
Any other words he was trying to prepare crumble to pieces. He's never been checkmated quite like that, brute forced into accepting praise. In the moment, he can't even decide how he feels about that! But it does resemble a soreness, the rare kind that he will need to poke at later when he's bored.
Stop making his ears red, they're already a little pink from the sun. Kaspar laughs suddenly, but it's the bright kind, soft around the edges as he tries to guide them both into his farm. ]
... you win, I have strength of character. And don't worry, Trahearne shouldn't be back yet.
[ Kaspar turns away then, keeping hold of his hand as long as he's allowed-- even as he holds the door for him.
Not that he can look at him when he informs the floor of personal.shit he didn't really plan on saying. It's clearly rote from somewhere, though he means the mostly borrowed words just the same. He even leaves out the lines that he's been fed to remain on the marriage registry but never agreed with: ]
... all of it--It takes time and practice. Forgiving all ignorances and trespasses. Finding what really matters to you now, accepting all weaknesses, strengths, and what cannot be changed.
[ Don't perceive him. ]
But it, does become easier, to hear yourself. And listen.
... I have no quarrel with Trahearne, but noted nevertheless.
[Wait, why would it be an issue??? There's nothing wrong with visiting the residence of a friend.
Unless.... Unless there's been a misunderstanding?? Has he missed a cue??? Are Kaspar's intentions more- No, no how could he assign such untoward behavior to his new friend!?!? Kaspar is not that kind of man, and for that matter, surely he isn't the sort of person who gives off the impression as being open to such a thing????
He drops Kaspar's hand in the midst of having an entirely internal crisis about this issue that only exists inside his own head. He brushes dust from the cuff on his jacket, absently.]
I... I will keep your advice in mind. [He only half heard it, really.]
[ First being just the two of them was good and now... it seems as though it isn't?
Kaspar finds it all a bit puzzling. The puzzle keeps him from feeling ignored now, though he will remember the feeling later. He was used to it, not being taken seriously or being misunderstood, though not quite as used to it after saying quite so much. It is a raw feeling, an unfortunate fabric choice on a hot day. At least, it isn't an active thought. But he doesn't believe van Zieks is keeping anything he said in mind at all, and part of him feels silly for saying so much or for hoping for anything more than that. In his own brand of stubbornness, his attention drifts now that van Zieks' has. Quieter, but still not uncomfortably so despite his clear verbal retreat, he still offers politely-- ]
... Tea?
[ No matter his answer, there is silence that follows from Kaspar, as he moves inside and leaves his guest to his own devices in the run down farm house. On the way by the table, Kaspar pulls out a dining chair for him, but he seems determined to calmly make it to the kitchen. Not that the open plan affords him more than illusionary privacy once he makes it there and distracts himself with tea and pancakes.
On instinct, he will make a cup and a plate for van Zieks because he does not feel like asking any more questions. ]
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[ Ah.
He's touched, really. Van Zieks is not the sort of man to make this type of offer lightly, Kaspar believes. And it makes him happy, whether he plans to take him up on it or not. ]
Thank you, very much. And you may rely on me too, when I am able to assist.
[ Kaspar recognizes part of the path then, stopping beside the opening to be sure. ]
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I should I hope I will not have to, but I will keep that in mind.
[He notes the pause, though.]
Is something the matter?
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There are a great many things that van Zieks knows better than Kaspar does, most other people here can claim the same. It is a fact that he is at peace with. But there are still a few things he probably knows better than most.
He shakes his head no, rocking on his heels once and still stopped before the break in shrubbery. His stomach announces his reasoning lowly, quiet enough that it is easy to miss in the crunch of branches beneath his leather boots. ]
... would you like to visit?
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In any case, it's hard to miss that noise of hunger. It reminds him, a little, of how he'd impulsively invited Albert to dinner the day they'd met.]
If you're offering, I'm hardly keen to refuse.
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[ Kaspar confirms, smile warm at the continual excuses van Zieks provides. It is as if he is giving himself permission. And every time, it somehow feels like he's being rewarded with the other man's presence.
Leaning against one tree trunk, Kaspar reaches up again with one arm to keep the branches out of their way. This path is wilder until it empties out closer to the well worn path to Kaspar's still run down farm. So, he pauses to guide them through the brief rough patch.
He holds his hand out for van Zieks, a polite habit since even though he can see in the dim underbrush lighting, there are rocks and loose soil hidden beneath the cover of bushes. ]
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I'm... you know you don't have to be so cautious with me, Mr Kaspar.
[He's not telling him to stop, though.]
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[ Kaspar agrees, sincerely. But his hand doesn't waver. And his smile makes it into his quieter tone, almost a light hearted whisper. ]
Though it is just us.
[ His hand holding is very respectful if van Zieks takes it, though he's no less careful with him than someone important (affectionately). ]
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Maybe he'd like to hold a hand. Especially one of his handsome and kind new friend. Even if Kaspar seems a bit head empty. That's fine. He can think of much worse things.
So after a long moment of hesitation, he takes that hand, cheeks coloring ever so slightly.]
If I'm honest, I'm surprised you're not more intimidated by me.
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... wouldn't you dislike that?
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I...
[He looks away. Does he dislike being feared? He's always played the role. It was just as well people be afraid of him, it kept them at arms length. If he remained a solitary figure, no one else could be harmed by the tragedy of the van Zieks family. He couldn't lose anyone else if he had no one. That, and the fear of the Reaper reducing crime had always been why he'd maintained the act. But... Does that mean he liked it?
No, no of course it didn't. He hated it. He was miserable. Still.]
I'm used to it.
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The worst part of standing guard in the grand halls or the streets had been frightened faces; a heavy feeling from the pit of his stomach. One he recieved punishment for soothing with funny faces. Beyond that, keeping his heart to himself kept their tragedies off his conscious.
Not that he thinks on any of that beyond the ghost of a familiar feeling. Because he is here in the moment and he likes holding hands. He reminds van Zieks with peaceful certainty-- ]
You needn't be, here, I don't think.
[ Not from him, at least, his smile says. ]
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I'm not sure if I know how to be anything else. I think... maybe I lost some part of myself that had that capacity ten years ago.
[Still.... he will keep up the handholding. It's discrete and comfortable enough he can not think TOO much about it.]
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Still, his voice is still soft. ]
... Is there any harm, in trying?
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[It's his instinct to say yes. But he knows that's not the case anymore.]
I suppose not.
[He doesn't mind the silences, really. It's weird how much he doesn't.]
How did you know?
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... I don't, like it when people are scared of me either.
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... I mean no offense by this, but I'm struggling to imagine someone being afraid of you, Mr. Kaspar.
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[ Kaspar clearly takes no offense to this. ]
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You prefer to come across as completely innocuous?
[Isn't it better to be at least a LITTLE intimidating???]
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I prefer to come across as the person I am.
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Does he even know what that would mean at this point? What parts are the Reaper, what parts are Barok van Zieks, and what part's are Barok van Zieks' grief?]
... The strength of character to be able to claim such a thing is admirable.
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... preferences may also be ideals, I think. But I would simply rather, be myself.
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[Sometimes you get so bogged down in other shit you couldn't simply "be yourself" even if you tried.]
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Any other words he was trying to prepare crumble to pieces. He's never been checkmated quite like that, brute forced into accepting praise. In the moment, he can't even decide how he feels about that! But it does resemble a soreness, the rare kind that he will need to poke at later when he's bored.
Stop making his ears red, they're already a little pink from the sun. Kaspar laughs suddenly, but it's the bright kind, soft around the edges as he tries to guide them both into his farm. ]
... you win, I have strength of character. And don't worry, Trahearne shouldn't be back yet.
[ Kaspar turns away then, keeping hold of his hand as long as he's allowed-- even as he holds the door for him.
Not that he can look at him when he informs the floor of personal.shit he didn't really plan on saying. It's clearly rote from somewhere, though he means the mostly borrowed words just the same. He even leaves out the lines that he's been fed to remain on the marriage registry but never agreed with: ]
... all of it--It takes time and practice. Forgiving all ignorances and trespasses. Finding what really matters to you now, accepting all weaknesses, strengths, and what cannot be changed.
[ Don't perceive him. ]
But it, does become easier, to hear yourself. And listen.
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[Wait, why would it be an issue??? There's nothing wrong with visiting the residence of a friend.
Unless.... Unless there's been a misunderstanding?? Has he missed a cue??? Are Kaspar's intentions more- No, no how could he assign such untoward behavior to his new friend!?!? Kaspar is not that kind of man, and for that matter, surely he isn't the sort of person who gives off the impression as being open to such a thing????
He drops Kaspar's hand in the midst of having an entirely internal crisis about this issue that only exists inside his own head. He brushes dust from the cuff on his jacket, absently.]
I... I will keep your advice in mind. [He only half heard it, really.]
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Kaspar finds it all a bit puzzling. The puzzle keeps him from feeling ignored now, though he will remember the feeling later. He was used to it, not being taken seriously or being misunderstood, though not quite as used to it after saying quite so much. It is a raw feeling, an unfortunate fabric choice on a hot day. At least, it isn't an active thought. But he doesn't believe van Zieks is keeping anything he said in mind at all, and part of him feels silly for saying so much or for hoping for anything more than that. In his own brand of stubbornness, his attention drifts now that van Zieks' has. Quieter, but still not uncomfortably so despite his clear verbal retreat, he still offers politely-- ]
... Tea?
[ No matter his answer, there is silence that follows from Kaspar, as he moves inside and leaves his guest to his own devices in the run down farm house. On the way by the table, Kaspar pulls out a dining chair for him, but he seems determined to calmly make it to the kitchen. Not that the open plan affords him more than illusionary privacy once he makes it there and distracts himself with tea and pancakes.
On instinct, he will make a cup and a plate for van Zieks because he does not feel like asking any more questions. ]
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Capping this offfff